This is just a thought that has been running through my mind the last couple of days.
I was thinking about the book of Revelations. For a long time it was my favorite book of the bible because it facinated me. The fulfillment of all that comes before, the punishment held at bay until the time comes for last chances.
It really is awe- inspiring.
Anyway, there is a bit toward the end of the book where Armaggeddon (sp?) has occured. Christ has set up new Jerusalem on earth and man once again live and commune with God in the way of Genesis before the fall.
Then Satan is loosed once again and some men follow him. Even though they were born under the communion with God and lived with Him. The same as Adam and Eve. I feel that while contentment in life is sometimes a good thing– contentment with God- taking Him for granted so to speak- opens us up for temptation. Sure, we feel strong and secure in our relationship to Him because at that time its what we live under, but should Satan make and attack on us contentment can lead us straight to sin.
I don’t know if how I say it makes sense or is even doctrinally right but its something that relates to my infertility journey. I relied on Him for all things but in this one area where He is in complete control I no longer trust in Him. I dont know how it happened because my faith is what got me through living with my Father and his wife. It’s what got me through the years of seperation from Hubby because of military matters. It’s gotten me through everything in my life except for infertility- and that must be of my own doing.
Its a hard road though. Not that I am trying to justify- just give reason. I am guessing this is a “Job” season of my life. The lesson must be to remain faithful but for some reason I am still not.
Its a choice I have to make, but fake it til you make it doesn’t work in a relationship with God- with the all- knowing. I can say that I do but if my heart does not believe then I am just spewing words. I have tried to say it to myself over the years but my heart still does not believe it.
I can’t say that I feel as though I am wrong in it. Sarah laughed at the angel when they foretold of her pregnancy. Sarah- matriarch of the Judeo-Christian faith-laughed at a promise of God after a lifetime of infertility. She doubted and I can imgaine the seed of hope that hurt- like salt in a wound from that moment through the day of the birth. The scar on her heart as she saw the promise of God fulfilled. I imagine (perhaps to make myself feel better) that faith in God and reproduction did not come until that moment of pain and joy as her child came into the world.
