This is just a thought that has been running through my mind the last couple of days.
I was thinking about the book of Revelations. For a long time it was my favorite book of the bible because it facinated me. The fulfillment of all that comes before, the punishment held at bay until the time comes for last chances.
It really is awe- inspiring.
Anyway, there is a bit toward the end of the book where Armaggeddon (sp?) has occured. Christ has set up new Jerusalem on earth and man once again live and commune with God in the way of Genesis before the fall.
Then Satan is loosed once again and some men follow him. Even though they were born under the communion with God and lived with Him. The same as Adam and Eve. I feel that while contentment in life is sometimes a good thing– contentment with God- taking Him for granted so to speak- opens us up for temptation. Sure, we feel strong and secure in our relationship to Him because at that time its what we live under, but should Satan make and attack on us contentment can lead us straight to sin.
I don’t know if how I say it makes sense or is even doctrinally right but its something that relates to my infertility journey. I relied on Him for all things but in this one area where He is in complete control I no longer trust in Him. I dont know how it happened because my faith is what got me through living with my Father and his wife. It’s what got me through the years of seperation from Hubby because of military matters. It’s gotten me through everything in my life except for infertility- and that must be of my own doing.
Its a hard road though. Not that I am trying to justify- just give reason. I am guessing this is a “Job” season of my life. The lesson must be to remain faithful but for some reason I am still not.
Its a choice I have to make, but fake it til you make it doesn’t work in a relationship with God- with the all- knowing. I can say that I do but if my heart does not believe then I am just spewing words. I have tried to say it to myself over the years but my heart still does not believe it.
I can’t say that I feel as though I am wrong in it. Sarah laughed at the angel when they foretold of her pregnancy. Sarah- matriarch of the Judeo-Christian faith-laughed at a promise of God after a lifetime of infertility. She doubted and I can imgaine the seed of hope that hurt- like salt in a wound from that moment through the day of the birth. The scar on her heart as she saw the promise of God fulfilled. I imagine (perhaps to make myself feel better) that faith in God and reproduction did not come until that moment of pain and joy as her child came into the world.
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 6:48 pm |
My faith in God has gotten me through many things too. But with infertility it almost seems harder to keep that faith. I think for me part of that is knowing that every conception, pregnancy, and birth really is a miracle. There are so many things that can go wrong; it seems like God’s hand has to be involved for it to turn out right. I remember this last Christmas season during a sermon about Mary the thought running through my head was (a slightly bitter) “the only way I could pregnant right now would be through a miracluous conception.” I know through all of this I should be drawing closer to God and I’m not.
I think it takes a lot of strength to really look at and sort through how infertility fits with a relationship and faith in God.
Monday, June 2, 2008 at 1:13 am |
It’s hard to keep faith in God when you’re hurting so. It’s hard to know how to respond to a God who could give you a baby, yet chooses not to. Trusting God through the toughest days was the greatest struggle of my entire infertility story. I had been a Christian all my life–even a pastor’s daughter. Couldn’t understand why God would withhold this blessing. As crazy as it sounds, I learned more about God through infertility than any church service, any Bible study, any anything in my entire life. He used it to reveal Himself to me. I realize that God knows what it feels like to want a child to come to Him so badly, but the child won’t come. That child was me! Knowing this meant I could pour my heart out to Him and He’d understand. The Bible is full of infertility stories–even in the lineage of Christ. God could have put anything in His Bible that He wanted to, and He chose to include infertility stories. That tells me that our struggles to conceive matter to Him. I didn’t realize how much my barrenness matter to Him until I realized how much infertility there is in Scripture. I promise you, God used the infertility to show me how much He loved me. I know it sounds nuts. I know! Don’t give up on God in this struggle. He’s working. He’s moving. Don’t give up on God.